Thread: Jokes about doctors

A pedido del público... (btw, how do you say that in English?)


- Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade.
- Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?
- Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor.


- Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?
- Yes, of course...
- Great! I never could before!


- Doctor, doctor, please help me. I just can't stop my hands shaking!
- Do you drink a lot?
- Not really. I spill most of it.


- I have some bad news and some very bad news.
- Well, doctor, give me the bad news first.
- The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
- 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
- I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.


- Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone for pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.
- Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone for pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.


A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

- This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!.
- Neither did I when I was a doctor.


- The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.
- And did he?
- Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.


Red dots revisited:

- Doctor, I keep seeing red spots before my eyes.
- Didn't the new glasses help?
- Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.


- Are you an organ donor?
- No, doctor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army.


What do you call two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram?
Double blind study.


Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, turns to the pathologist and says: "Go see if that was a duck."


- Doctor, I think I need glasses.
- You certainly do. This is a bank.


A lady goes to the dentist. In the chair, the dentist notices a little brown spot on one of her teeth.

- Aha, caries! I'll have to drill this one out.
- Oh no, I'd rather have a child!!!
- Make up your mind, madam, so I adjust the chair.


Enjoy!